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Knit Wit of the Month/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Buzz, buzz, buzz. Brent Leroy: You should get a hobby. Hank: Sure, but who's got the time? Lacey Burrows: Look at Phil. What employer has a staff appreciation lunch for one employee? That is so lame. Brent: Normally saying lame is kinda lame but in this case you're correct. Lacey: Oh, and he wants me to serve this. "We're great." It should read "we're lame." Brent: That is so lame. What employee would not see right through a moist, chocolate, layered charade like that? Lacey: You know, a pay cheque for a job well done is all the dessert a staff needs. Brent: Amen, sister. Now if there's any charade left over, give me slice. Lacey: OK. Hey, look who's being appreciated. Woo-hoo! All right! Ha, ha. Oscar Leroy: I can't find the Senior's Beat column. Where's that stupid woman's column? Emma Leroy: Her obituary is on the front page. Oscar: Oh, she writing those now? Good for her. Oscar: Who's going to write the Senior's Beat? How am I supposed to know what the seniors are doing? Fitzy Fitzgerald: Well, one of them's driving me nuts. Oscar: See, that's the kind of thing that should be in the paper. Fitzy: OK, I'll talk to Gus at the Howler. Maybe I'll recommend Delores Baxter to take over the column. Oscar: Delores Baxter's a crackpot! Fitzy: Well then, maybe Cathy Taylor can. Oscar: She's crappy. Fitzy: Wes Baxter? Oscar: Wes Baxter's married to the crackpot! Fine. I'll do it myself. Fitzy: I didn't ask you. Oscar: Too late. Hank: Hey Emma, I'm looking for the Model Train Club. Emma: Oh, it got cancelled, there was a derailment. No one was hurt. Hank: Aw, looking for a hobby. That's seemed perfect, you know, models and trains. Did any of the models show up? Helen Jensen: Would you like to join our club. We're the Knit Wits. Hank: Oh, yeah? What do you do? Helen: We knit. Emma: He doesn't know how to knit so, good bye, Hank. Hank: I could learn. Emma: Or leave. Hank: Ah, it doesn't seem so hurt. You just move those needles around until you make that ball, right? All: Ha, ha, ha. Emma: That's not a joke! He thinks that's how you really knit. Helen: Here, I have some spare needles and some wool. Hank: OK, ladies. Let's get our knit on. Brent: What the heck's that? Lacey: What? Brent: That. Lacey: The wall. Brent: On the wall. Lacey: Paint. Brent: We're gonna get to it eventually. Lacey: Aw, all right, I put it up. Bug deal. You know, what's wrong with a little employee recognition? Brent: We had a pact, a no lameness pact, remember? I called you sister, we made fun of their stupid cake. Which was delicious, by the way. Lacey: You don't understand. Josh was whining about the whole employee appreciation thing. Lacey: Phil is not that great of a boss, you know? I'm a better boss than he is. I'm a pretty good boss. Right? Hey, how would you like it if I made you employee of the month? Lacey: And I have to admit, you know, since I put that picture on the wall, it's been pretty good for morale. Hey, Josh-a-roo! Brent: Hey, Lace-a-roo! Lacey: Ha, ha. Brent: Think I'm gonna lose my lunch-a-roo. Karen Pelly: Emma, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Emma: What loss? Davis Quinton: Well, Oscar. He's dead. Emma: What are you talking about? Davis: Well, he hasn't called with any complaints so what else could it be? Emma: And that's your evidence? No proof, no witnesses? Maybe a body? Davis: Well, tell us your big theory then. Emma: He's writing the Senior's Beat for the Howler. Karen: What happened to Mrs. O'Hanlon? Emma: She died. Karen: Oh, that's great! No, it's great that Oscar's busy, not that she died. Davis: Although, he wouldn't have the job if she was still alive so, I guess it is great that she's dead. Karen: We should go now. Wanda Dollard: Buy, did I just have an embarrassing conversation. This guy, came in and he was like "hey, did you see that picture of Josh over at the Ruby? That's pretty crazy, I mean, if anybody deserves something like that, it's you." Is what he said, and I was like, pfft, I don't need that kind of stuff to justify all the hard work that I do around here. Brent: Sorry, who were you having this conversation with? Wanda: Ah, it doesn't matter who it was with. Brent: Or what mirror it was in front of, in the washroom, just now. The wall's are pretty thin in here, you know. Wanda: Oh, that guy also wanted to know what kind of gift you were getting me. Brent: Tell that guy, nothing. Wanda: That guy also thinks you're a tool. Davis: Hey Oscar, I can't find your column. Oscar: It's right there, ya jackass. Karen: "Senior's Beat by Oscar Leroy. Pot luck sucks!" Where's the column? Oscar: That is the column. Davis: That's it? Oscar: Yeah, why go on about it? Karen: Wow, can't wait to find out what sucks next. Oscar: Well, you can go on waiting 'cause I quit. Karen: That sucks. Hank: Hey, hey, hey. What's up my knitters? Oh, what's that stitch you're doing? Helen: Knit one, purl two, repeat. Hank: And then what do you do? Helen: Repeat. Hank: I said, then what do you do? She can't hear too good, huh? Emma: We were just leaving. Hank: Oh, you better repeat that for her, oh! Helen: We just got here. Emma: And now we're leaving. Hank: All right, we'll catch you at the next meeting, ladies. Ah, where is that by the way? Emma: You know, at the place. Hank: What time? Emma: That's right. Davis: You can't quit your column. Oscar: Yes I can. Howler's got too many rules. "It's gotta be longer, write to deadline, don't eat my sandwich." Karen: You ate someone's sandwich? Oscar: Only one bite. Besides, I'd rather complain to people face to face. Davis: No, no, no, no. Don't do that. Hey, we'll help you write them. We'll type them up. Well, Karen will type. Karen: Because Davis can't. Davis: He didn't need to know that. Wanda: Look at that picture up there, just mocking me. Brent: Believe me, you don't want one of those. It's only a matter of time 'til someone draws a moustache on there or blackens one of the teeth. Hey Lacey, you got a marker? Lacey: Well, I guess some employers aren't as thoughtful as others, huh, Wanda? Wanda: Yeah, I guess they have trouble showing their appreciation to their employees. Brent: Employee. Lacey: Oh, come on Brent. Don't you want to show people that you're a good employer? Brent: Oh, of course I do. Brent: Nice, huh? Maybe we should have some cake. Hank: Hey, Brent, you seen your Mom? Brent: Lots of times. Hank: Supposed to be knitting with her. Oh hey, congratulations. Is that award local or province-wide? Brent: Might be national. Lacey: Brent hung it up. He gave it to himself. Brent: She's just jealous, she didn't get one. Hank: Oh, don't worry. There's always next month. Wanda: I don't mean to interrupt your tea party. But I just wanted to point out that once again, the employee's doing the actual work while Captain Dingus McDoofus, the crappiest employer of all time, sits on his lazy can! Brent: Duly noted. Lacey: You know, that should be my award. Hank: You don't even work here. Brent: Gee, maybe I should hire Josh. The employer and the employee of the month, together. Whoo, that would be one hell of a month. Lacey: Ah! Emma: And I said to him, "It's a side plate. It's supposed to be small." Hank: Hey, ha, ha, ha. There you guys are. Looking all over town for ya. Emma: Didn't you get my message that we changed the place? Hank: No, no. I'm such a knit wit. Get it? Helen: Well, I guess we should be going. Emma: Oh. Helen: Good bye, Emma. Hank: Ah, well, I guess it's just you and me. Emma: I got knitter's cramp, bye. Hank: Oh, but ah, look it, I just need your help. Just, just show me a couple stitches. I wanna knit a toaster cozy. Emma: A toaster cozy? Hank: Yeah, it's like a tea cozy to keep your toaster warm. Emma: OK, I'll give you a minute. But no yapping. Oscar yaps on and on when I knit, drives me crazy. Like the other day, I ask him to pull some weeds in the garden. So, he tries to convince me that we should just turn it into a weed garden, that way we wouldn't have to pull the weeds out at all. So I said to him, "Oh, yeah, that'll be nice. What if you get thistles?" Then he said, "Oh, I'm like the banker in Mary Poppins." Hank: Mmm-hmm. Emma: And I said, "What's that got to do with anything?" Hank: Mmm-hmm. Emma: And then he said he'd found the quarter under the couch, finders keepers. Hank: Then I say I gotta get going, it's late. Emma: What? Oscar didn't say that. Oh, well, same time tomorrow? Hank: Ah, yeah, sure. I'll meet you at the place. Emma: What place? Hank: My place. Dammit! I mean, not my place. Bye. Oscar: OK, Blondie. Read it back to me. Karen: "Oscar's list of things that suck. Cold coffee, shovelling snow, cats pooping on lawns and, ballroom dancing." Oscar: OK, I like the cats pooping on my lawn thing. Thoughts? Comments? What do you think Davis, you've been pretty quiet. Davis: What about my garbage can idea? Oscar: I don't like it. Feels like it's been done before. I like Blondie's cat poop thing. Davis: Maybe we can add some stuff about dog poop as well. That's pretty annoying. Oscar: Too broad. Davis: Dogs pooping in garbage cans. Oscar: We're sticking with Karen's cat story. Type it up, add some more words to it and make it longer. I'm going for a nap. Davis: And put some stuff about garbage cans in it too. Wanda: I just want to let you know, I'm no longer upset that you didn't make me employee of the month. Brent: Glad that's over. Wanda: Yeah, I don't need some crappy picture on the wall to make me feel good about myself. Wanda: Oh my gosh! I am customer of the month! Yes, whoo! Customer of the month, of the month, month, month, yes! Lacey: A good employer recognizes both her employees and her customers. But as employer of the month, you'd know that. Brent: So, what is this? Some kind of payback? Lacey: No. Wanda is a great customer. Wanda: You're sitting on my stool, pal. Move it or lose it. Wanda: Ah, there's a cockroach in my food! Lacey: What?! Wanda: Ha, ha, just joking. It's rubber. Wanda: Burp! We have a winner! Brent: Yeah, she's a real dream. I would have thought I was the obvious choice. Most of the forks here are molded in the shape of my hand. Lacey: Oh, does my choice bug you? Are you bugged? You look bugged? Wanda: Move it or lose it, pal. I'm good here. Helen: We need to talk. Emma drives us crazy. She goes on and on about Oscar. Hank: I mean, this whole time I thought you didn't like me. Helen: We're not crazy about you but you're better than Emma. Hank: Oh no, it's Yammer-mouth. Helen: Is there another way out? Hank: The back! Mertyl Runciman: Come on, come with us. Hank: She's already seen me. You go. Helen: We'll remember this. Hank: Hey, Emma. Fitzy: Oscar. The latest Senior's Beat was terrific. The way you covered all the angles of cats and their poop. Karen: I'm glad you liked it. I mean, I'm sure that Oscar's glad that you liked it. Davis: I thought the cat poop story left me wanting more. Dog poop, totally unexplored, don't you think? Fitzy: I don't know. Look forward to the next one. Davis: Maybe it should be about garbage cans. Fitzy: Whatever. Oscar: I swear to God, if you mention garbage cans one more time... Davis: Fitzy seemed real excited about it. Oscar: If I let you write it, will you shut up? Davis: I'm on it. Emma: And so, I find out he's been hiding his vitamins under the mattress. There must have been about fifty of them there. Hank: Uh-huh. Emma: First he denies putting them there and I said, "Who put them there, the vitamin fairy?" Hank: Uh-huh. Emma: What are you knitting? Hank: Uh-huh. What? Oh, uh, it's a scarf. Emma: Oh, I thought you were knitting a toaster cozy. Hank: You inspired me to try something different. Lacey: Hey. Brent: Hey. Lacey: So, you weren't in the Ruby for lunch today. Brent: Oh, you noticed? Yeah, I uh, I've been brown-bagging it lately. I didn't think you needed me what with your customer of the month picking up the slack. How's that working out, by the way? Lacey: Good, good. Wanda: Ha, ha, ha. No seriously, the burger's under cooked. Brent: Sounds like it's working out good. Lacey: Sure is. What kind of sandwich is that? Brent: It's a pickle and jam. Lacey: Because that's all you have left in your fridge, right? Brent: No, because it's a sweet and salty delight. Lacey: Well, enjoy your sweet and salty delight. Brent: Impossible not to. Karen: What does Oscar hate about garbage cans? Davis: What if he starts out hating them and then ends up liking them? Karen: Ah, that doesn't sound like Oscar. Davis: It's a journey. Man hates garbage can, man learns to live with garbage can, man likes garbage can. Karen: This isn't a Disney film, this is Oscar. Man hates garbage can, man hates garbage can, man hates garbage can. Senior Man: They're not answering. Senior Woman: Did you tell them we've been robbed? Senior Man: I didn't tell them anything because they're not answering. Lacey: Here you go, chili cheese dog. Wanda: I ordered a salad. Lacey: Well, you have to start eating more, like Brent. Wanda: Why? Lacey: I didn't realize how much the Ruby depended on him on slow days. I mean, that man can pack it away. Oh, I'm talking like he can eat. I mean, he can really pack it away. Wanda: OK, no problem, but does he eat a chili dog everyday? Lacey: Three. Wanda: Oh. Lacey: Plus pie. Not a piece of pie, a pie. Wanda: Wow, that's um, wow. Lacey: Well, I'm sure it won't be a problem for customer of the month. Wanda: Do we have any Pepto-Bismol, maybe some amino? Brent: Why, do you have heartburn from eating a chili cheese dog? Wanda: No, why would you say that? Brent: 'Cause I can smell it on you, come here. Say hot, Hawaiian, hula-hoops. Wanda: Quit trying to eat my breath. Brent: Is that cole slaw? Wanda: Ah, I don't have time for this. I gotta get back to the Ruby and...eat some more. Brent: Yeah, well, stop by and work sometime. Whoo, easy big fella. Senior Man: Hey, Oscar. Can you write an article about how the Dog River Police Department doesn't respond to senior's calls? Oscar: You got it. Oscar: OK, I have our next story. It's gonna be about how the Dog River Police are screwing up. Davis: We're about to crack the garbage can story. Oscar: Can yo believe this guy? Karen: Welcome to my hell. Wait, did you say Dog River Police? Oscar: Yeah. Start typing, Blondie. Dog River Police ignore seniors. I don't hear any typing. Are you ignoring me? Karen: I'm not typing that! Oscar: Why? Karen: Because I'm a cop. Oscar: Fine. Davis, you want it? Davis: Well, I could probably make it work. Karen: But we're cops. Davis: People need to know this stuff, Karen. Karen: Well, I can't do it. I quit. As a cop and a journalist, I have more integrity than that. And I'm taking a copy of the cat poop column for my Mom. Emma: There you are! When are we getting together to knit? The other women said they can't make it. Between you and me, I think they don't like you. Hank: Oh, um, Emma, actually, I won't be able to knit with you anymore either. I got a job. Emma: A job? Hank: Yep. Emma: You, a job, you? Hank: Yeah, it's a great opportunity. Manure Farmer: Shovel this pile of chicken manure from here to the other pile and mix it with the pig manure. Hank: I'll take it. Manure Farmer: And when you're done that, I want you to shovel the horse manure over here where the chicken manure used too be. Hank: I said, "I'll take it." Emma: I'll miss knitting with you. Hank: Yes, I'm sure you will. Emma: And he has this thing about washing dirty pots. Hank: Uh-huh. Emma: He won't wash them but has no trouble getting them dirty. Fitzy: Oscar, what happened to the Senior's Beat? It made no sense. First you hate the cops, then you like the cops. And there was this garbage can thing in the middle, it was like a monkey wrote it. Davis: Monkey didn't write it, I wrote it. Fitzy: You wrote it? Davis: Monkey wrote it. Fitzy: Oscar, is this true? Oscar: No, Davis wrote it. Fitzy: You write the Senior's Beat yourself or I'll recommend someone else. Oscar: OK, Davis, you're fired. Wanda: No more, my gut's on fire. Lacey: Cool it down with some nice pie and ice cream. Wanda: But I don't like pie. Lacey: You are customer of the month. Buck it up. Brent: Heh, half a chili cheese dog. Pretty light eating for customer of the month. Wanda: It's my second. Brent: Second? You've been here an hour! I would've been on my fifth, ooo, is that pie? Wanda: Maybe you'd like to finish the rest of it? Brent: No, I brought my own lunch. Lacey: Mmm, whatcha got there, pickles and jam again? Brent: No, another taste sensation, olives and sour cream. Lacey: All right. Down the hatch, both of you. Brent: OK, here I go. Maybe we can work something out. Wanda: Aren't you gonna congratulate me? Brent: Congratulate yourself, I've got a chili cheese dog to eat. Well, the first of five. Hank: I heard Wanda's employee of the month. Brent: Yeah, she's got her picture up there and everything. So, smells like the new manure job's going well. Hank: Yeah, thankfully your Mom got fired for talking too much. Brent: Hmm, I wonder who she's gonna talk to now? Emma: He'd been looking kinda peaked for a long time and it turns out he'd been hiding all the vitamin pills under his mattress. Oscar: Slow down, these stories are gold. Now, what was this jackass' name again? Emma: Uh, Bob. Oscar: Heh, where's the "B" on this thing? Category:Transcripts